By Abhishek Pandey

Recently Manmohan Singh went to God alone, without the permission of Sonia Gandhi. PMO denies it, but it has been reliably reported that the PM went up the top of the mountains to speak with God.

“God, God, why are you doing this to me?”

“Doing what, Manmohan?”

“The Coalgate, 2G scam, corruption charges, uncontrollable inflation, CBI investigations, now Lokpal. Why me, God?”

“Don’t blame me, Manmohan. I gave you my blessings to become the Prime Minister not once but twice in spite of knowing that you had not won Loksabha election. You have taken all this for granted.”

“God, I have done everything you told me to do. I introduced new legislations for the poor. I even introduced a new law to curb corruption; not because Anna Hazare asked for it but because I had promised you in the past.”

“Don’t lie. That was because of Kejriwal’s win in Delhi and Anna’s indefinite fast for the legislation in Ralegaon Sidhi. Anyway, I had warned you that you had sinful people working for you.”

“When, God?”

“Just after your meeting with Sonia to decide on the names of the cabinet ministers. When I saw you selected people to head up the ministries. I was shocked. We’ve got a long file on them up here.”

“Why dint you tell me, God.”

“I tried to, but PMO officials and Pankaj Pachauri would not let me talk to you on the phone. They said they would give you the message I called.”

“They never told me, God.”

“It figures. Then I sent you an e-mail saying it was urgent you contact me. I even commented on you Facebook post in which you congratulated Sonia for showing confidence in you and choosing you the PM.”

“The only e-mails I read during that period were those in which people supported my liberalization policies of 1991 and said that I had ability to make India a super power.”

“Finally, Manmohan, I made one last effort. I showed up at a press meeting one day at 10 Janpath, and after the meeting I came up to you and said there are men among you who would be reason of your fall. Do you know what you did, Manmohan? You did not react and introduced me to Digvijay Singh.”

“I dint know it was you, God. So many people show up at these meetings. You could be a BJP man. Is that why you are punishing me—because I snubbed you?”

“I am not punishing you, Manmohan. But even I could do just so much. I agree, you are an honest man, Manmohan. If it were merely a case of Coalgate, I could probably fix it. But your government is involved in corruption, shielding tainted leaders and corporate houses, gagging media, harassing honest officers, etc. Your ministers even tried to control social media and cane charged protesters at India Gate. The list of sins is endless."

“Good, God. Nobody is perfect! Is NaMo perfect?”

“Don’t change the topic.”

“Alright. Look, I have just got a few months in which to go down as the greatest Prime Ministers of India. I don’t want to go down in the pages of the history as the worst PM of India. Give me a break.”

“You have got to clean the house, Manmohan. Get rid of everyone who had any connection with any scandal. 

Don’t spare anyone. You must make it perfectly clear you were hoodwinked by everyone on your staff. You must show the indian people that when it comes to the reputation of an honest PM, no one is too big to be sacrificed on the altar of expediency.”

“God, you are asking for a really big sacrifice. Can Congress survive it?”

“I am trying to help you, not Congress.”

“God, one minute, let me check with Madam over WhatsApp to get an idea what are her views.”

“Okay.”

After five minutes.

“God, I’ll do it. Will you take AK Antony, Jairam Ramesh and Jaipal Reddy?”

“What kind of sacrifice is that?”

“Sharad Pawar!”

“Go ahead.”

“Salman Khursheed and P. Chidambaram.”

“That’s more like it.”

“And, God if I sacrifice them, will you keep me out of this and help Rahul Jee become the next PM.”

“Manmohan, I don’t work miracles.”

Note: This is an ‘original parody’ of an article written by Art Buchwald on Richard Nixon in 1971.

# This article also appeared on Fakingnews.com. (http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/01/18/manmohan-talks-to-god/)

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By Abhishek Pandey

It’s not been even a week for Arvind Kejriwal at the helm of the affairs in Delhi and people have begun criticizing him and his policies. One person has even filed a PIL against him in Delhi High Court for making false promises in his manifesto. The person mentioned in his PIL that AK promised to pass Lok Pal Bill on December 29. It was quite funny because the person perhaps forgot that AK sworn in as the CM on December 28 only as he did not have enough numbers to form the government without any support either from the Congress of the BJP. 

I am not a AAP supporter but I firmly believe that we must refrain from cynicism that prevents a wind of good change. 

I support the AK for standing against the VIP culture by denying a lavish bungalow and security cover, for providing subsidy on water and electricity on the first two days of working at the office, for promising corruption-free governance and other pro-people policies. However, it is in the news that he has opted for a combined duplex house with total floor area of 9,000 square feet for his office and home. That’s not exactly an AAM Aadmi’s house. I am refraining to comment on the issue unless the reports are confirmed.  

Media and others have criticized him that AK took the support from the Congress while he had categorically denied taking any support either from the Congress or the BJP during campaigning. I support AK for not being stubborn on his decision and asking people for their opinion whether AAP should form the government or not. A senior journalist known for his ‘stupendous’ journalistic skills Arnab Goswami asked him that he is out-sourcing the party’s decision. AK smartly replied to the journalist that he is not outsourcing the party’s decision from Pakistan. He is simply going to the people who elected him.

One must watch the speech of AK in Delhi assembly where he did not ask for the support for his government or the party. He has talk about fresh policies. He talked about corruption free society. He talks about a system where everyone gets their works done in a government office without paying any bribe.  He has promised a lot and now it is time to show what can he do for the poor and Aam Aadmi. 

Let us keep sharpening our words of criticism for a little later stage when AK fails on his promises or falls from the standards he set for an ideal politician or say Aam Aadmi. Until then I think we should stop cynical criticism or criticism just for the sake of it.

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Photo Courtesy: Deccan Chronicle

India needs a high quality anti-biotic to nip 'rape flu' in the bud but the government is using the humble ‘Paracetamol’ to deal with this deadly bug.

By Abhishek Pandey

Youngsters are fed up of being outraged. They took to the streets after Delhi Gang rape case. Seven months later, another ghastly gang-rape took place and this time in the financial capital--Mumbai. People are outraged again but this time with less intensity and valour. The reason is simple: they are tired of being outraged.

It is not that no rape case took place all these seven months but we have learned to become outraged when safe havens become hell. Mumbai was considered one of the safest cities for girls. It was the city that promised its women safety when they roamed around with friends after sunset, allowed them to sit at marine drive at mid night and travelled in the last local with a sense of safety. They felt safe in the city. They are now worried.

  

India is suffering from ‘rape-flu’ that is spreading fast. It has reached Mumbai from Delhi in less than seven months. The government is treating this flu with humble Paracetamol while the disease requires high quality anti-biotic. Perhaps, the government does not have any effective remedy and does not want to waste its time in inventing one. The reason is: this flue is not because of what Rupee is falling against dollar or it is not what will fetch votes for our politicians.  

From December 7 in Delhi to August 22 in Mumbai, nothing has changed. Perverts still gawk at women at public places and undress them with their penetrating gaze. They not only intentionally touch their bodies but violate them whenever they get lucky in a crowded place. They still tell sexist jokes openly. May be an Indian could not explain but a Canadian girl who studied in India explained her ordeal in India. She was groped, masturbated at and assaulted many times. 

Nothing has changed and if some drastic actions are not taken, nothing will change. You may call me a pessimist. Yes. I am. And, there is no reason that any Indian should not be.  Rapes will continue to take place. This is the destiny of Indian women with which they will have to learn to live unless a superhero comes to save them. Period.

Why rape will not stop?

There is a basic problem in our preaching to girls to avoid being raped. They are told not to venture out alone, not to go to secluded places and most importantly, not to wear indecent clothes. We give this list to girls when they decide to go out for work or studies. Why nothing will work! Let us talk about the Mumbai and Delhi cases because every one of us is aware about the minute details of these horrid cases.

Girls should not go out alone.

In the Mumbai and Delhi gang rape cases, there is a similarity. Both the girls were not alone and were accompanied by a male friend. But it did not make any difference to their perpetrators. They were beaten and raped.

Don’t go to a secluded place.

What will they do if someone abducts them to a secluded place? Delhi girl was duped in a thick-curtained bus because no autowala in Delhi was ready to ferry her home at 9pm. Mumbai girl was tricked inside the mill campus while her male colleague was handcuffed with a leather belt outside. This suggestion too seems nonsensical.

Don’t wear indecent clothes.

This is the most stupid suggestion. Eight-year-old girl and seventy-year-old lady are too raped. Rapists do not discriminate against clothes, age, caste and religion. It is evident, they are not human so don’t care about this man-made rules.

Frankly speaking, I have no idea what would help our girls: harsh deterrent, safety on roads, stricter laws, chemical castration or what else. I don’t know.

I recall couplets of an Urdu poet Nawaz Deobandi.

He says:

Uske katal par mai bhi chup tha, mera number ab aaya.

Mere katal me aap bhi chup hai, agla number aapka hai.

(I was silent when he was killed, now I am being killed. You are silent on my killing, the next number is yours.)

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